A Closer Look... at Life

I haven't shared much that's been going on with the move in detail, because, number one, it has been such a major ordeal, and number two, I'm trying let go of the old house and some of my ways of thinking. It goes way beyond "downsizing", but I haven't been able to share all that with you until now. My health is what has precipitated this move, (most of you know that I have had heart issues stemming from an hereditary problem) as the house and property are more than my hubby and I want to deal with now. We need a fresh direction in life.

This move has been one of the toughest things I've had to do in years. I think it's because I have still been having problems with my heart which I haven't discussed much since last Fall, (I'll fill you in later in the post) and because of that, I can't do what I want to do. So much frustration when you can't do the things you used to do, and now have to have someone else do them for you.

God has been at work through all this, giving me the ability to get the house packed and arranging for things to be sold. I knew I couldn't do it on my own, so He has sent people my way to make it easier. This last week, on short notice, He sent my sister and her hubby, my mom, and then a dear friend that is in the junk biz to organize the garage sale, and then haul off all the leftovers. My husband wanted me to forego a sale and just donate it all, but it's been therapeutic in many ways and part of the process of me letting go... and moving forward.

It's not that I'm having a problem with selling the old house, because I'm really looking forward to a new home. We've been talking about what we want and need, and I'm confident that it will be wonderful, and that we'll have a "place" for all that we've stored away. It's just that this has been so long and drawn out; a painful process, in many ways. We know this is a year of transition for us, and transition isn't always easy or "pretty".

I just feel like now is the time I need to be a little more transparent about what's been going on with me personally, healthwise, without being a big bummer for you all. I have an appointment with a new cardiologist in St. Louis that I'll be seeing next month. I cannot tell you how long overdue this is. My current cardiologist, is not a specialist in the area that right now I'm desperately needing counsel in. Because he isn't a specialist, he doesn't see the importance in guiding me to get the help that I need.

I don't like drama and innuendo; leaving people guessing, so I'll get graphic for a moment to explain what all this is about. Last August I knew something was very wrong, I started feeling horrible and had pain that I hadn't had before. After a heart catheterization, a large blood clot was removed that was blocking my stent and we realized I'd actually had another heart attack, and because of the prolonged situation, I had had an aneurysm that had burst and bled out into the surrounding heart tissue. Also that the tip (apex) of my heart is now dead. non functioning. A left ventricular aneurysm is tricky at best, and most people die from this immediately. I had God's hand on me and and He saved my life once again, but now I have a condition that is controversial. 90% of cardiologists know it's a necessity to have reconstructive surgery, or heart "remodeling" where they take out the dead tissue. Otherwise you're a ticking time bomb for having a rupture of the dead tissue pulling away from the living viable tissue. The mortality rate is high, but some doctors prefer to just leave it alone. Problem is that most people that have this are elderly and are in congestive heart failure. I'm not either of these, and I desperately want to have my life back.

So I'm going to see a specialist at Barnes in St. Louis where they have a team of doctors who all they do is aneurysm repair. I'm not worried and I'm confident that they have answers for me, one way or another. I'm looking for an honest assessment of my situation and hope that surgery can put right most of the problems I've had this last year. (Blood clots and a lot of debilitating pain) It will be worth going through open heart surgery again, to be feeling better, and more on track with life in general.

As for these pics of thread... I have had an old sewing machine cabinet of my paternal grandmother's that I knew was time to sell. I have had it over 40 years, and it's traveled all over the US, but now was when it needed to go. I went through the drawers and found a stash of my grandmother's threads and needles, and pulled them out to keep. I also found this wonderful old Meakin Ironstone bowl that I had buried in one of my garage tubs. I love handling the old wooden spools that my grandmother used, and feel a dear connection in them.

Miss Jenkins always has to be close by,

 and if she can be in the photo, then all the better.

The thought of my grandmother using them, their age,

 and subtle mellowed shades, bring tranquility, peace, and calm. 

I'll share more with you in the next weeks as we finish up the house and get it on the market. I know that God's timing is perfect, and I know He is in control of my life and health. He has the buyer for our home, and is planning our new one, too. There are many factors that will have to come together to see His plan come to fruition, but I'm confident that it will. He's never let me down before, so we take each day, knowing He is leading and guiding us.

God has been requiring me to take a closer look at life...

at my life.

To get it all in focus, and to appreciate the smallest thought and gesture;

and to be grateful for all the people he uses to help and walk with us.

I've learned over the years, that if I follow His lead, He not only takes care of all the details, but blesses many people through the "process". And I'm learning that no experience should be wasted or discounted. Life is indeed a process, and I'm believing that there will be answers and justification coming.

As for blogging, I'll be putting the link parties on hiatus, I hadn't meant to stop so soon, but I know now is the time, This week will be the last "Be Inspired" for a while. Anyone that hosts a party knows that it's a lot of responsibility and takes several hours at least to do it right each week. I'll still be blogging, but it will be when I have something to share that's an inspiration to all of you, and then I'll be letting you know how things are going. There have been days where I'm in bed with a boatload of medications...I just can't keep up any longer, especially with this last push on the house business.  I'll keep you filled in. Please know that I hold all of you closely, and enjoy your posts and find the inspiration a daily infusion of joy. I can sit at my computer and get lost in another place. It's important to do this for as long as I can.

I just felt that it was time to share what's going on. I don't like keeping things hidden, and because all of you are considered as friends, I knew now was the time to share all this. You know how much I need your prayers and good thoughts coming. I'll still be here, I'm not closing things down, just knowing now's the time to make some changes. See you Thursday morning...love you all, 

joining in at Savvy Southern Style

                                                           

The Year that was...2012

I always love putting up the new calender and exchanging it for the old. Fresh and clean with no pen marks, red lettering, strike thrus, or smudges. A blank slate for optimism, hope, and a fresh start. Looking back on the past year is requisite; something that we inevitably do in life. It's a time to reflect on our accomplishments, things that have changed and evolved, but also a time to see where we are heading and taking inventory of our own personal lives.

A header that I made but never used, 

this image just speaks volumes to me about life.

Hallway bath repaint in late January and February.

A start on lightening up my walls and surroundings.

Looking back on this last year I didn't feel like I had accomplished very much. This has been one of those years that even though there have been many good things, over all it's one I would rather not have had to walk through. My New Year's wish, instead of resolutions, is always said with a hopeful and optimistic prayer, that this next year will be a better one than the last...

realistically, that doesn't always happen.

Immediately after the bath refresh came the Living Room RePaint.

What a huge difference in my daily frame of mind.

There's just something about a clean white wall

that visually and emotionally "lightens the load".

Within a week I was on to the Master Bedroom,

and my quest for the perfect shade of "greige".

I had realized that the darker colors I had loved 9 years ago were causing me to feel overpowered and claustrophobic. Sort of like the walls were closing in on me. It all had to go and this was the last bastion of dark and "heavy".

I still wake up everyday feeling the freshness of this change.

With the old darker color I was getting tired of all the dark wood,

 but once the paint was changed, I looked at it differently.

The bedroom RePaint ended the major projects of last year.

It was late Spring when my world needed to refocus.

(a few small projects like the trompe l'oeil print on canvas)

My new slipcovers for the Dining Room chairs were a huge success.

They got to put on a new "dress".

Joy, oh Joy!!!

and then the Dining Room became my "happy place".

June brought one of the highlights of my year;

getting to spend a week with this gal.

and then heading up to St. Louis 

to share a weekend with Elizabeth Maxson,

our dear and precious mutual friend.

After this trip, projects became few and far between,

but I managed to play a little with some fun Fall decor.

My favorite time of the year;

but then I've said that a gazillion times.

But this next photo sums it all up...

this guy.

I haven't talked about it too much here on this blog, but he's the center of my life. God has placed him there to love, trust, and to take care of me. I like to say that my hubby is the "pole" to my "tether ball". I may be hit and bounce around every which direction, but my guy is always the stable, unmoving, center of my life. Ten years ago I had 3 massive heart attacks and almost died. After that, our lives changed. We both had a wake up call to the important things in life...like waking up every day with those that you love still here. But this year he was the one with health challenges and I was the one that had to be strong for him. He was the one feeling like he was walking on quicksand...and I had to be the one that was immovable and unshakable. 

Without God as my strength, we would have been flailing. 

For several years he'd been having occasional attacks of vertigo, then they started becoming an everyday occurrence that changed everything. He's just never been "sick". Oh, you know occasionally a bout with the flu, but nothing serious. Last summer started a journey to not give up, but to seek God for guidance in a place of uncertainty. Tests, doctors, more tests, more doctors...I know that many of you have been through something similar. If it's not you or your husband, it's our kids or loved ones. It takes everything out of you, but then with God's help, He fills you up with His Spirit, His outlook, His Word. 

Fast forward six months and we've been seeing a specialist in St. Louis for Meniere's Disease. It's a tough one, with no cure (they say). We had no help in our area, only a fatalistic litany of defeat for the future. But we were not going to roll over and play dead with this...we faced it head on and now we are seeing positive results. He's not over it, but he's improving significantly. 

So many of you out there know people that are dealing with this life changing condition. The first thing we did was radically change our diet. no salt. Actually, we had to rethink our whole outlook on eating and how inevitably it defines our health, and then eventually, our life. Meniere's is basically the inner ear deteriorating to the point that fluid cannot be regulated so you feel dizzy, nauseated, like your head is under water (filled with water) and dreadful...most of the time. Can't drive, can't eat, can't walk with confidence...can't think straight. OK, I won't dwell on this, but let me tell you there are options out there that work. You don't have to live with this...it CAN get better. 

As with any illness, or life changing circumstance we've learned that there IS hope. God has a good plan for our lives and He has answers that no man does. not doctors, not ourselves, not our friends...He's the one with the way to make things change.

So if you thought that my posts had changed, well, they had. I had changed. I am changed. Walking through something life altering has a way of changing a person. Hopefully, for the better, but still changed. My Bible Study blog went on "hold", because I couldn't concentrate on much other than getting through each day with my husband. Encouraging him became my priority. But as I said earlier, what I lacked in output, I gained with God's "input". If we let circumstances defeat us, there is no "lesson". I want to learn all the lessons I can from God. Don't ever go through a "problem" without seeking God for something deeper to be given you.

I know this has been long, but now seemed like the time to share it all. If I haven't commented, please know that I haven't meant to slight any of you, there have just been days that I didn't have it in me. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I love you all; you have become such a big part of my life. I'm still here, just different. But still believing for a better year.

My prayer for each of you this year

 is for you to stay strong, seek God, love without limits.

Thank You...

 Romantic Homes Magazine...

for the wonderful acknowledgement and honor

 of being included in your

 January 2013 publication.

 I always love finding new blogs and seeing old friends

 in the "Site Seeing" feature.

And a special thank you to Contributing Editor of Romantic Homes,
 Beth Livesay!

See you all tomorrow for

xoxo,

just thinking outloud...

I've realized after 3 and a 1/2 years of blogging, that this little niche on the www has become somewhat of a pictoral  diary of my decorating style. What I loved 10 years ago, I'm not so crazy about any more, or even 5 years ago; how my ideas and concepts have evolved. What started out as a home with lots of extra space has become a little crowded, but filled with things I love and enjoy, and that hopefully reflect who I am.

I love "pretty", but I also love comfort, functionality, and simplicity. I love a good "trend" but you won't find me being a slave to it. I'm a mesh of a lot of decor styles, but "vintage" will always be the fundamental and basic premise of my style. I find myself, with each new season or holiday coming up, going back through my archives of posts to see what I did last year, or the year before. Let's change it up a little, I don't want to get into a rut. Some things are basically the same, but just tweaked a little. Other things are retired and sent the way of the antique mall space, but each loved and enjoyed for the time that it's part of my world.

I guess I'm going over all this to say that sometimes, I just like to have a place to peek back at, and then form a new plan for what's ahead. One of my favorite things to do is to go back through your blog archives and see what you all did last year. We really are an everchanging, growing, and inspirational bunch!

(my new plaid wool throw from Leola's, 

which brings in a little "Christmas Color")

Each season on the sunporch I start with a different quilt. 

Then layer on the pillows.

It's my place to have some fun.

I told you I had a couple more turkeys up my sleeve...

Now that it's cold outside,

 I enjoy the visual warmth of the Fall inspired woolens.

The kitties love their snuggle spots out here.

almost like being outdoors.

I'm pretty sure I enjoy this space more than any other in my home.

A lot of wind and a hard freeze a few nights ago,

took down most of the maple leaves.

Love the golden hue this casts.

In a week it will be time to put away "Fall" and Thanksgiving,

then bring out "Christmas".

Time to turn another page in the book.

I don't want this blog to ever be thought of 

as a place that is "show-offy".

I hope when you come to visit 

it's like coming by for a cup of tea

and a warm muffin...

put up your feet,

and tell me about your day.

Hope you're savoring the moment.

Enjoy life and the small pleasures.

thanks for always being here.

...for being a friend.

Thank you for being part of my life.

xoxo,

oops a p.s. here
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