As some of you guessed I'd been having health problems again, and they really had me down ...mentally and emotionally as well as physically. I don't want to talk negative when I'm going through something, so often it's best if I just stay quiet. Don't get me wrong, I don't suffer in silence, but I don't like to broadcast it either. I believe in joined forces in prayer, but there are times when I have to face and fight my battles with God as my only Source.
I've had a few of you email or leave comments checking up on me and some of you have gotten an earful; probably a lot more than you cared to hear. I have been angry and frustrated for awhile...not at anyone individually or even the blogging world in general. Just angry and frustrated with my circumstances and outlook in life, and I was the only one who could make those changes. So God asked me to lay blogging on the line. I've said it was like a little addiction. I needed to give blogging up, and I didn't (and still don't) know if I can pick it back up. Lot's of things have changed in my thinking about it. Expectations, frustrations, guilt...so many emotions I never want to go back to. Actually, I have many concerns about even publishing this post.
I've never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but I am a person that believes in doing things to the best of their ability. My thinking is that if I can't give 100% then it's not good enough. I'm having to re-examine that way of thinking. I don't think God is calling me to be 100% at this. But just be me and recognize that there are priorities and limitations. I know, I know...I've talked about this before. The big thing I realized is that blogging doesn't have to "own me". I don't have to keep it in my head every day 24/7. It doesn't need to be a mindset. It doesn't have to be a priority. Blogging is not my "job". It needs to be a creative outlet and an enjoyable aspect of my life. It doesn't have to define who I am.
I'll just share a little of what I was dealing with healthwise.
I have to take a blood thinner since I had blood clots in my heart back in the Fall of 2013. It was a really scary time for me and I just scratched the surface of things here on the blog. It was a miracle once again that I wasn't dead. When a blood clot goes through your heart and then one to the brain, you usually don't live to share the experience. I have to take a kind of blood thinner that can't be monitored (like Warfarin), so there's no way to really know if you're getting too much or too little. It's specifically for people that have cardiac stents. Early last summer I started bruising horribly (like a rotten banana) and had the little capillaries under my skin start breaking and bleeding. I had 2 cardiologists, one said get off of it, the other said keep taking it...so I cut the pill in half. (I've since seen a Hematologist that says keep taking it, that it's what I have to do, just back off a little if I start seeing those earlier symptoms) Things got better but I started having severe fatigue in the Fall and then by the beginning of December my chest pain was at a much worse level. I have constant angina and take several meds to keep it manageable but none of them were doing the job. So by Christmas I was in bed, feeling like another blood clot was closing up my artery. I started back on the higher dose of blood thinner but it's taken weeks to get back to some sort of normal daily life. Christmas day was spent in bed, and my thoughts in a whirlwind. All I wanted to do was crawl under the covers and stay there. (In reality and metaphorically speaking).
So that's where I've been and what I've been doing. I've made a conscious effort to NOT overdo it in any aspect of my daily life. I've read more than a dozen books and left housework and all things decor related undone, and it's been ok. There were days when I didn't check emails or blogs or even turn on my computer. I made it through, and I can't go back to "before". I'm still in the "process", but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I've started journaling again through my daily scripture, and that's been good, like slowly peeling away a hard outer layer of something dead to bring a peek of something new underneath. I feel like soon I'll get the "go ahead" in God's timing to share some of this with you...probably on my "Spiritual" blog (that's been dormant for a year) or on a separate page that I set up. I'll let you know when that happens.
But till then I wanted to say Hello and let you know that I'm still here, and that I'm better (?), but maybe just a little different...
I'm sharing this post with my friends at